Nexterminate

"...maybe you could review Next, though I only know about their mens stuff. And the thing I know about their mens stuff is that almost everything they make has a big number on it somewhere (like 69 for instance), a bit like the baseball jacket of a highschool "jock"."

"I'm wearing a Next suit jacket now (yes, on a Sunday, and no, I'm not an estate agent) and you've scared me. Is there a number on it that everyone can see but me? Is that why they point and laugh? It truly is the Emperor's new math."

Firstly, NEXT! Sort out your sales! Who queues from 6am on the one day a year you have a sale? It's not fucking Glastonbury! Oh but it is, to the people of the Isle of Man, in 1994. I know: I was there.

Now this thing about the numbers is highly suspect. There certainly was a trend, and actually yes, it has dragged on a few years too many, for wearing "sporty" items with numbers on. For girls, this took the form of the (circa 2001) "cheerleader" fashions (evolving and converging with the frightful "Fame"/Geri Halliwell/legwarmers thing...and actually legwarmers are great, but that's another story for another time). For boys this sporty highschool yearbook thing mixed 1970s and 1980s and American sports. Any sensible polo shirt peddled to the masses by a popular high street store like Next isn't going to go too crazy with the vintage or the Animal House references, particularly when a few boxes ticked will be enough to help it masquerade as a fashion item.

Of course, fashion items from shops like Next are to fashion what costume jewelery is to...fashion. My point being: inauthenticity. Please. In fashion as in life avoid meaningless sloganeering and masquerading masquerades. It's clothes for people who care what other people think of them more than they care about clothes. Which is fine sometimes, (and, er, probably true of most people to some extent) but if you're going to wear something that nods gingerly towards a trend, and you've got to get over these hang-ups, do it with accessories, or colours - not with some dirty great numbers on your t shirt.

The suits are fine! The shoes are great! The bags and sunglasses are relatively out there, good range, good value. Oh yeah, nice office wear (who cares?)...And stripes are apparently still in, so all their household stuff should be good for a while yet. I'm not sure if matt silver-effect keyrings (and matching jewellery!) were ever in, but at least we won't be short of Christmas presents. And Christ, stop trying to make me buy sundresses that divide my bosoms into two defined triangles. But the crepey skirts with the wide low wastebands are kinda lush and kinda fresh, a novel mix of the wistful hippy thing and the Park Lane thing we were doing when we all wanted to be Charlotte from SATC a couple of years ago. The best thing about Next, though, is the range of socks.

The stuff about sports shirts is a bit out of date, of course, since these days all the cool kids are in rugby shirts (are we over cricket jumpers already?). Are we witnessing the first heartfelt highstreet lurch towards a nineties revival? Maybe. But the neon zig-zaggy 80's haven't died yet. Except in Next. Keep it up, Next! One day, all this will be beige.